Thursday, September 6, 2001 Edition: #2126
24 beers in a case, 24 hours in a day. Coincidence?
TODAY is “Read a Book Day”, a highlight of “International Literacy Week”. It’s tough to read an entire book in a single day, so here’s some of the . . .
WORLD’S THINNEST BOOKS:
“Bedouin Olympic Swimmers”
“Gourmet Dishes Using Tofu”
“The Tourism Guide to Melfort, Saskatchewan”
“Politically Correct Jokes On The Internet”
“A Female’s Guide To Logical Thinking”
“Guide To Australian Etiquette”
“Everything Men Know About Women”
“Blind Dates That Worked Out”
“Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette”
“The Directory Of Irish AA Members”
“One-Legged Folk Dances”
“Proud Parents Of Rock Musicians”
“Young, Single Males Speak Out Against Masturbation”
BS CELEB BUZZ:
TONIGHT Jamie Foxx hosts the 18th annual “MTV Video Music Awards”, featuring performances by ‘N Sync, Alicia Keys, U2, Missy Elliott, Jennifer Lopez, and Britney Spears premiering her new single “I’m A Slave 4 U” in a lavish production number that includes 30 dancers and 4 live cheetahs, which PETA is already protesting (we can’t wait to see her outfit — remember her striptease routine at last year’s awards?) . . . LAST NIGHT on “20/20″, Anne Heche told Barbara Walters her relationship with Ellen DeGeneres was “the best sex I ever had” (not much pressure on the new husband, huh?) . . . Meantime, Mariah Carey’s people say she’s postponed NEXT WEDNESDAY’S interview with Barbara Walters because she “needs more time to rest” (and the week after would be better because her movie “Glitter” opens) . . . Chalk up another freebie for the PM — Jean Chrétien‘s entry fee for YESTERDAY’S round with Tiger Woods at the Bell Canadian Open pro-am was waived . . . Jennifer Lopez tells “FHM” magazine she recently spent an entire week in bed with fiancé Cris Judd (now she’s suffering a severe case of bed butt) . . . Seems even Madonna didn’t have enough moola to buy ‘Ashcombe’, a lavish 1,100-acre estate in rural England that she and hubby Guy Ritchie fell in love with, as a mystery European has out-bid them to snap up the joint for something over $14 million . . . And former Montréal Canadiens great Guy Lafleur has signed on as a pitchman for Viagra manufacturer Pfizer Canada (“Hi dere, dis is Guy eh? Unlike when I was with les Habitants, dese days I like to play with my stick up . . .”).
MOVIES IN THE WORKS:
“Planet of the Apes” beauty Estella Warren has no problem stripping down for modeling jobs, but flatly refused to bare all in a scene for the upcoming comedy “Down and Under” (likely more to do with money than morals) . . . ABC is putting together an updated TV-movie version of the hit musical “Grease” (who should star?) . . . Julia Roberts has agreed to reunite with “Erin Brockovich” director Steven Soderbergh for an as-yet-unidentified movie . . . Steven Spielberg turned down the chance to direct the upcoming “Harry Potter” movie because it wasn’t challenging, saying: “For me, it’s like shooting ducks in a barrel, it’s just a slam dunk”.
WHY HOLLYWOOD MARRIAGES FAIL:
According to a new study by University of Southern California psychologist John Blaine, exceptionally attractive people tend to have less stable and satisfying relationships than so-called ‘plain’ people. Why? People who make a living based on their looks are never satisfied with the physical appearance of their partners, always criticizing them and ogling other pretty people. (Sometimes named ‘Penelope’.)
SUDS SOUNDS SURVEY:
What kind of music goes best with beer drinking?
Blues 24%
Irish 21%
Rock 20%
Oompah 9%
Country 8%
Jazz 5%
Other 5%
Folk 3%
Classical 1%
(Source: ReelBeer.com poll)
GEEZERS GEAR UP:
Contrary to popular thinking, a new study shows that elderly motorists are not a serious threat to other drivers and, in fact, kill fewer motorists and pedestrians than any other age group. (After all, it’s tough to seriously wound someone at 4 mph.)
WOOF WASHER:
A Chilean inventor has developed a ‘shower for dogs’. A PVC cover encases the animal, leaving only a space for its head, ensuring not one drop of water hits the floor. Engineer Aldo Cantele’s other inventions include the ‘motorized snowboard’ that can climb slopes. (I invented the shower for dogs years ago. It’s called ‘the hose’.)
FOR THE RECORD:
Six Hungarian youngsters may get a place in the “Guinness Book of Records” after riding a Ferris wheel for 168 consecutive hours. It’s estimated they traveled over 11,000 miles (17,800 km) between them. (They’ve since set the record for ‘Most Hours Bent Over a Trash Can’, ‘Most Hours Involuntarily Walking In a Circle’ and ‘Most Hours Spent Asking “Is the room spinning or is it just me?”)
21ST CENTURY TERMINOLOGY:
• ‘Retro Fun’ – The stuff people used to do for kicks before PCs, cell phones, video games and extreme sports. Things like sewing, playing bridge, repairing bikes, canning, quilting, fly fishing, storytelling and baking pies. Thanks to renewed interest in the ‘lost arts’, a Seattle community college is now offering courses in these simple activities and other old-fashioned pastimes.
• ‘Age Discrimination’ – Many mature employees are suddenly finding themselves out of work these days. The latest issue of “Modern Maturity” magazine blames part of the problem on hot-shot young managers who consider older workers out-of-step with the times and too costly to keep. (Yeah right, sonny. You got all the answers. Now go dry behind your ears.)
• ‘Green Grenade’ – A new war tool being developed by German scientists which will kill the enemy but not pollute the surrounding environment. (Which is important because after you wipe your enemy off the face of the Earth and take over his country, you want the lawns to look nice.)
THE BULL SHEET 09.06.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1947 [54] Jane Curtin, Cambridge MA, TV actress (Dr Mary Albright-“Third Rock From The Sun” [1996-2001])
1957 [44] Joe “Curley” Smyth, Westbrook ME, country singer (Sawyer Brown-“This Time”)
1958 [43] Jeff Foxworthy, Atlanta GA, “You Might Be a Redneck” comedian
1963 [38] Mark Chesnutt, Beaumont TX, country singer (“Lost in the Feeling”, “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”)
1964 [37] Rosie Perez, Brooklyn NY, movie actress (“ It Could Happen To You”, “White Men Can’t Jump”)
1971 [30] Dolores O’Riordan, Dublin IRE, rock singer (Cranberries-“Linger”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Royal Montréal GC] Bell Canadian Open begins
TODAY-September 15 the 26th annual “Toronto International Film Festival” reels in celebs for the screening of some 326 films, a total of 249 features and 77 shorts. Among them, the Denzel Washington police thriller “Training Day” will premiere. Other stars expected to show for galas include Mick Jagger, Sarah McLachlan, Anthony Hopkins, Uma Thurman, Tim Allen, Steve Martin, John Cusack, Geoffrey Rush, Kristin Scott Thomas, Ethan Hawke, Salma Hayek, Helena Bonham Carter, Kevin Kline, Julia Stiles, Christina Ricci, Heather Graham, William Hurt, Kiefer Sutherland, Christian Slater, Harvey Keitel, Don Cheadle, Stockard Channing, Glenn Close, Danny DeVito, Mira Sorvino, and, GASP!, Benjamin Bratt.
NET: http://www.e.bell.ca/filmfest/2001/
TODAY is “National Do It Day”, aka “Fight Procrastination Day”, a backlash to YESTERDAY’S “Be Late For Something Day”.
TOMORROW hundreds of thousands of British schoolchildren outside some 3,000 schools will jump up and down for a minute at 11am local time [6am ET] to see if they can create a detectable Earth tremor. Scientists will measure the impact on seismographs. The experiment marks the start of “Science Year”, a government-funded project to promote science. How did such a goofy idea get hatched? Back in 1995, oodles of Londoners called Scotland Yard saying they’d felt an earthquake. But after some investigation by the British Geological Survey, it was found that 20,000 rock fans had been jumping up and down at an Oasis concert and the tremors were reported up to a mile away. (Wait a sec . . . did you fell that?)
ON THIS DAY . . .
1997 [04] Millions watch worldwide on TV as Elton John sings “Candle in the Wind” at Princess Diana’s funeral at Westminster Abbey in London
2000 [01] Largest gathering of world leaders in history as more than 150 attend the “UN Millennium Summit” in New York City
2000 [01] Another nail in the coffin of free music downloads as Universal Music is awarded over $100 million in damages for violation of copyrights by MP3.com
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1910 [91] Regina (later Saskatchewan) Roughriders Football Club formed
1952 [49] Canada’s 1st television station, CBFT Montreal, begins broadcasting (2 days later, CBLT starts broadcasting in Toronto. 1st hockey broadcast is November 1 and first Grey Cup game on live TV is November 29.)
1977 [24] 1st Canadian highway signs go metric (confused Canadians begin driving 100 mph)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1987 [14] Saskatchewan’s Dave Ridgway kicks CFL-record 60-yard field goal
1995 [06] Baltimore scalpers get $1000 a ticket to watch Cal Ripkin Jr break Lou Gehrig’s MLB consecutive game record by playing in his 2,131st game (Camden Yards crowd cheers for 22 minutes, 15 seconds)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] 17 new ‘Category 1′ digital TV channels go on-air in Canada
[Fri/Mon] “Michael Jackson: 30th Anniversary Celebration, the Solo Years” (NYC)
[Fri] Country Music Week begins (Calgary)
[Sun] NFL Season opens
[Mon] Canadian Country Music Awards (BS subscriber CJVR Melfort SK has a chance to win ‘Country Station of the Year’ for the 6th year in a row – good luck!)
National Tools of the Trade Week (all I need here in the studio is . . .)
National Farm Safety Month (watch where your step!)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS INTERVIEW:
Here’s a job you probably never considered – a California company services crime scenes after police are done gathering evidence. Crime Scene Cleaners specializes in cleaning up splattered brains, smeared blood and decomposing flesh. Hey, somebody’s gotta do it! Wonder what they talk about on the job? “This guy shoulda quit while he was a head!” “Gimme that, I can fit another ear in my Glad bag.” “Man, this dude’s loan shark charged him an arm and a leg!”
PHONER: 800-357-6731/510-496-0070 (Oakland CA)
THREE WORDS YOU DON’T WANNA HEAR TOGETHER:
Ask listeners to come up with 3 words that SHOULD NEVER appear in the same sentence. Here’s a few primers –
• wife – big – butt
• Michael – Jackson – macho
• sweet – smelling – diaper
• Madonna – Academy – Award
• bar – pick-up – midnight
BS TAG LINE:
One kid I put through college, the other I put through a wall.
