September 25, 2000 Edition: #1896
BS WAYS CANADA COULD DO BETTER AT THE OLYMPICS:
• Introduce new summer ‘biathlon’ event that combines lobster fishing and shooting.
• In addition to ‘gold’, ‘silver’ and ‘bronze’, add a new ‘lead’ medal — for 4th.
• Next time, enter Bruny Surin in the ‘100 Metre Groin Pull’.
• Switch Eric Lamaze to winter events — involving snow.
• Take advantage of all those videotaped events — edit in someone in a Roots uniform while commercials are running.
• Awards for wackiest urine tests.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “E! Online” notes that Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are launching Projectgreenlight.com TODAY, a Website where contestants can submit an original screenplay with the winning entry being made into a movie for theatrical release. (What a cheap way to get scripts.)
• “National Enquirer” claims Jennifer Lopez has served wild man boyfriend Sean “Puffy” Combs with an ultimatum — knock off the skirt-chasing or you’re history!
• “Star” says scriptwriters for “Friends” are trying to figure out how to write THREE potential pregnancies into this season’s storylines. Seems Lisa Kudrow, Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox-Arquette have all told producers that they’re working on having babies.
• YESTERDAY London’s “Sunday Times” featured the scoop on the new book “Diana’s War” by former Princess Di advisor Patrick Jephson, who portrays her as a compulsive liar who fired staff at whim and had a desperate need to be the center of attention. (Are we bitter?)
• According to “New York Post”, Jason Priestley showed up at a NYC TV studio to promote his new documentary on the Barenaked Ladies acting downright weird. Not only did he fall asleep in the makeup chair and spill coffee all over himself, he was foul-mouthed and — bystanders say — stinky.
• And thanks to “Weekly World News”, here’s some of the week’s goofiest headlines – “Amazing healing powers of werewolf fur!”, “California teens smoking cigarettes made from human flesh!”, “You’re not getting heavier, gravity is getting stronger!”, and this dire warning “Pluto and Uranus are missing!”.
THAT’S ‘DUH . . .SIR’!:
This is “Children’s Good Manners Month”. Winnipeg authors Karen Mallett and Lewena Bayer have published a series of books on etiquette called “Courtesy for Kids”. They also run an etiquette consulting service and have just started a new e-column at canoe.ca called ‘The Etiquette Ladies’. If anyone knows how to behave themselves — these two do! Ask them to give you an etiquette quiz.
PHONER: 204-475-6799 (Great Plains Publications)
DO YOU GET A FREE TOY?
Climax Gentlemen’s Club is now open for biz on an isolated stretch of highway, 35 miles east of Pittsburgh PA. What makes this particular peeler bar interesting is that it’s likely the world’s first ‘drive-through strip club’. Yup, for 5 bucks per minute, you get to watch from your car window.
PHONER: 724-668-2888 (owner Nick Fratangelo)
THE BULL SHEET 09.25.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [69] Barbara Walters, Boston MA, TV anchor (“20/20 Friday”, “The View”) who just renewed her contract with ABC for a record $12 million a year for 5 years NOTE: Her interview with Monica Lewinsky was highest-rated news program in TV history
1944 [56] Michael Douglas, New Brunswick NJ, movie actor/director/producer (“A Perfect Murder”, “The American President”) GOSSIP: Will he wed fiancee Catherine Zeta-Jones’ TODAY on their joint birthday?
1961 [39] Heather Locklear, Westwood CA, TV actress (Caitlin Moore-“Spin City”)/Mrs Richie Samboro since 1994/ex-Mrs Tommy Lee (1986-94)
1968 [32] Will Smith, Philadelphia PA, movie actor (“Wild Wild West”, “Men In Black”, “Independence Day”)/pop-rap artist (“Wild Wild West”, “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It”) NEXT FILM: Stars with Matt Damon in “The Legend of Bagger Vance” opening in November
1969 [31] Catherine Zeta-Jones, Swansea WALES, movie actress (“Entrapment”, “The Mask of Zorro”)/Michael Douglas’ younger girlfriend — by 25 years!
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National One-Hit Wonder Day”, saluting those who made it big only once before fading into obscurity. A good day to play ‘One-Hit-Wonder Name-That-Tune’. Some suggestions – “Girl You Know It’s True” by Milli Vanilli, “Rico Suave “ by Gerardo, “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice, “ I’m Too Sexy” from Right Said Fred, or maybe “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1996 [04] Canada’s population reaches 30 million
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1926 [74] NHL grants franchises to Chicago Black Hawks and Detroit Red Wings
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1954 [46] Cleveland Indians become winningest team in MLB history with 111th victory
1965 [35] 60-year-old Satchel Paige becomes oldest-ever MLB player (pitches 3 scoreless innings for KC)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] MLB Regular Season ends
[Sun] Sydney Olympics closing
[Sun] 2000 Prairie Music Awards
Deaf Awareness Week
National School Success Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
Q: The scientific name for them is ‘coprolites’ and they are often found by archeologists. What are they — fossils, prehistoric skeletons or dinosaur droppings?
A: Dinosaur doo.
Q: You’re a farmer and out in your back 40 you have a ‘flink’. What the heck is it — a manure pile, a herd of cattle or a duck pond?
A: It’s a group of 12 or more cows.
BS TAG LINE: Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
