Wednesday, September 20, 2000 Edition: #1893
MORE QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If an older woman marries a younger man she’s ‘robbing the cradle’. So
if a younger woman marries an older man is it ‘robbing the casket’?
• If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, how come it’s still #2?
• Can a funeral home blame a price increase on the cost of living?
• Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT and TOMORROW night Barbra Streisand performs at LA’s Staples
Center and she’ll do 2 concerts NEXT WEEK at NYC’s Madison Square
Garden, the 4 shows being the final performances of her concert career
— she says (VIP tickets are going for $2,500 — each) . . . ‘The
Nashville Network’ is no more — it’s dropping much of its country music
content, changing its name to ‘The National Network’ and moving from
Nashville to NYC (in related news, the ‘Comedy Channel’ is changing its
name to the ‘Joe Clark-Attempting-to-Speak-French Channel’) . . . More
buzz in the tabs that Geraldo Rivera and reluctant “Multimillionaire”
bride Darva Conger are an item and there’s been no denials from either
camp (if these two get married they could become the couple we just LOVE
to hate) . . . The 4-year-old orphaned daughter of late INXS singer
Michael Hutchence and his apparent “Suicide Blonde” Paula Yates is
unfortunately named Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily (and that’s ANOTHER
tragedy).
NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘Agritainment’ . . . The new way farmers are trying to make a buck —
with farm tours, petting zoos and those ubiquitous ‘cornfield mazes’
that are popping up everywhere. (My country cousin Wilma’s trying to
break even by charging for a roll in the hay.)
• ‘Car Wrapping’ . . . A hot new form of marketing that’s catching on in
Florida and California that involves plastering your car from top to
bottom with adhesive vinyl advertisements — just like transit buses.
For this humiliation, the ad agency pays you a monthly fee or, in some
cases, provides free use of a vehicle. (Hmm, do I sense a radio
promotion here?)
DID SOMEONE SAY ‘ELECTION’?
Topping the feat of Human Resources Development Minister Jane Stewart of
making a billion bucks disappear earlier this year, TODAY the Liberals
will announce a federal government surplus of $12 billion for the year
1999-2000, including an ‘UNFORESEEN’ $9 billion in extra revenue. (The
announcement will be made by new assistant Finance Minister David
Copperfield.)
WIDE WORLD OF BS:
• A tax appeals board in Denmark has just ruled that a massage parlor
worker can, in fact, use the cost of breast implants as a tax deduction.
(Talk about padding your expenses!)
• A new chili pepper has been discovered in India that’s even hotter
than the habanero, until now considered the most potent. (For people who
want to experience passing molten lead.)
• An Oslo, Norway man briefly became the richest man in the world when a
bank accidently deposited $90 billion into his account. The discrepancy
was fixed within hours. (Same kinda thing happened to me — my bank
accidently lowered my overdraft to zero.)
• Interesting divorce case in Sydney — a cheating husband accidentally
hit the redial button on his cell phone while performing ‘mattress
Olympics’ with his mistress. The phone called home, where the wife
picked up and had the presence of mind to tape the whole thing. (Now to
pay alimony, he’ll have to ‘sell car’ and ‘sell house’ too.)
THE BULL SHEET 09.20.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [66] Sophia Loren (Scicolone), Rome ITA, movie actress (“Grumpier
Old Men”, Oscar-“Two Women”)
1967 [33] Kristen Johnston, Washington DC, TV actress (Sally
Solomon-“3rd Rock From The Sun”)/movie actress (Ivana Humpalot-“Austin
Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
To coincide with the Olympics, they’re holding the 1st-ever “Pokemon
2000 World Championship” in Sydney TODAY-Friday. You may have forgotten
that, before the TV show, movies and plush toys, Pokemon was a video
game. Champions from 8 countries will compete at Sydney University’s
‘Pokemon Park’ to become the world’s ultimate ‘Pokemon Master’.
Interesting that Pokemon’s home country Japan is NOT competing.
NET: http://www.pokemon2000.com
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1990 [10] East and West Germany ratify reunification (so they’d have an
even better Olympic team)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1917 [83] 1st Canadian income tax begins as ‘temporary’ war measure (is
the war over yet?)
1946 [54] 1st ‘Cannes Film Festival’ (worlds top-ranked, just ahead of
Toronto)
1995 [05] 1st team to clinch National League’s new ‘Central’ division (a
great trivia question — it was the Cincinnati Reds)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] National Student Day
[Thurs] MuchMusic Video Awards
[Fri] 1st day of Autumn
JRR Tolkien Week
National Mushroom Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
NAME THE FAMOUS SINGLE: (it’s “National Singles Week”)
• He left Ivana for Marla, then he left Marla for broke. [DONALD TRUMP]
• His mother was quite ‘graceful’ until her untimely death. [PRINCE
ALBERT OF MONACO]
• His marriage ‘died hard’ when even his wife’s ‘striptease’ couldn’t
keep it together. [BRUCE WILLIS]
• He left ‘England’s Rose’ for ‘The Rotweiller’. [PRINCE CHARLES]
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Without using loonies or twonies, what’s the largest amount of money
in coins you can have and still NOT be able to make change for a dollar?
A: 3 quarters, 4 dimes, and 4 pennies — a total of $1.19.
Q: Which kills more people — bees or sharks?
A: 100 more people die from bee stings each year than from shark bites.
Q: Can classical music help you lose weight?
A: According to “McCall’s” magazine, yes! Listening to classical or
other slow, soothing music will relax you so you eat more slowly, and
ultimately, eat less.
BS TAG LINE:
I like work. I can sit and watch it for hours.
