September 1, 2000 Edition: #1881
BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Why would 1 out of 5 dentists NOT recommend sugarless gum for patients who chew gum?
• Why do we call some people we don’t know ‘perfect’ strangers? Doesn’t everybody have their faults?
• Are Monday’s pre-natal classes cancelled because it’s Labour Day?
• What do people in China call their good plates?
• If moths eat wool sweaters, why don’t they eat sheep?
• Do people with psychic powers get nostalgic about next week?
• If a dog’s bark is worse than his bite why don’t hospitals have to report dog bark wounds?
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
SUNDAY’s 12-hour benefit concert in Walkerton ON for the victims of the water crisis will feature 20 artists, including ex-Glass Tiger singer Alan Frew, the Wilkinsons and Serial Joe (their hearts are in the right place, but what will money do at this point?) . . . The new ‘Shania Twain Interpretive Centre’ is scheduled to open in her hometown of Timmins ON next JULY, featuring a million bucks worth of her memorabilia, fittingly located at the site of the Timmins GOLD MINE Tour . . . A production company in Paris, France has announced it’s developing a French version of “Survivor” (contestants will be forced to eat snails and frogs legs WITHOUT a proper wine list).
NOW ROBOTS DO IT:
The latest edition of British journal “Nature” reports that researchers at Brandeis University in Waltham MA have created robots that can reproduce. Yup, the self-replicating machines are able to design and construct other robots without any human help, said to be the first step toward creating ‘artificial life’. (The prototype is currently being used as Democratic candidate for US President. Just great, even robots are reproducing, but I can’t get a date Saturday night.)
YUANNA MILLION?:
TODAY the People’s Republic of China kicks off its first-ever nationwide lottery as tickets go on sale for 2 yuan — about 24 cents. The jackpot is a million yuan or $120,000. Doesn’t sound like much? If you take into account the average annual income in China is just $800, the prize would be roughly equivalent to $4.5 million here. (Beats the heck out of a fortune cookie.)
WIDE WORLD OF BS:
• Workers at a Brisbane, Australia fish wholesaler got the shock of their lives THIS WEEK when they found a human head inside a giant cod. (In related news, today’s special at the Brisbane Beni Hana is fish head soup.)
• In northern Albania, a female can ‘change gender’ by taking an oath to become a ‘sworn virgin’. By promising to never marry, never have children, and remain celibate she can then crop her hair, dress as a man and adopt male mannerisms. (Note to self: check to see if Ricky Martin is by any chance Albanian.)
• A woman in Belgium is hoping to win a 6-year term of office in OCTOBER’s municipal elections. Not newsworthy at all — except the woman is 102-years-old! (If she lived in this country she’d qualify for appointment to the Canadian Senate.)
THE BULL SHEET 09.01.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1920 [80] Richard Farnsworth, LA CA, movie actor whom most Canadians know as ‘Matthew Cuthbert’ in “Anne of Green Gables”
1946 [54] Barry Gibb, Isle of Man UK, falsetto pop singer (Bee Gees-“Stayin’ Alive”)
1957 [43] Gloria Estefan (Fajardo), Havana CUB, pop/Spanish singer (“Anything For You”)
1975 [25] Scott Speedman, London ENG [raised Toronto], TV actor (Ben Covington-“Felicity”)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [57] Glen Sather, High River AB, NHL President/GM (NY Rangers)/former Oilers GM/coach
1948 [52] Terry Bradshaw, Shreveport LA, NFL analyst (FOX-TV)/Hall of Fame NFL QB (Pittsburgh)
1964 [36] Keanu Reeves, Beirut LEB [raised Toronto], movie actor (“The Matrix 1-3″, “Speed”)
1966 [34] Salma Hayek, Coatzacoalcos MEX, film actress (“Wild Wild West”, “From Dusk Till Dawn”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Step into those high heels, honey! Get the highest wig you can find and join Shasta Cola, Hedda Lettuce and your bewigged hostess Lady Bunny for a dandy day of drag fun at the annual “Wigstock“ celebration SUNDAY in NYC. On second thought, I’ll skip this one. My best dress is at the cleaners.
PHONER: 212-439-5139
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999 Canadian specialty cable channels ‘Star!’, ‘Canadian Learning Television’, ‘Report on Business Television’ and ‘Aboriginal Peoples Television Network’ debut (making a trip ‘around the dial’ with the remote cause thumb blisters)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1905 [95] Alberta and Saskatchewan become 8th and 9th Canadian provinces
1985 [15] US-French expedition 1st locates wreckage of “Titanic” off Newfoundland
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1990 [10] CFL ‘total score record’ set as Toronto Argos beat BC Lions 68-43 (111)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] 11th annual Molson Indy Vancouver
[Mon] Newspaper Carrier Day (the one day of the year they try to actually HIT your doorstep)
[Thurs] Toronto International Film Festival begins
International Self-Awareness Month (but mom said it would make me go blind)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS MOVIE LINES:
We give you a line of dialogue from a classic ‘80s movie, you name the flick . . .
• “Take me to bed now or lose me forever.” (“Top Gun”)
• “Heeeere’s Johnny!” (“The Shining”)
• “I’ll be back.” (“Terminator”)
• “There’s no crying in baseball.” (“A League of Their Own”)
• “I’ll have what she’s having.” (“When Harry Met Sally”)
BS TAG LINE:
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
