September 26, 2007

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Wednesday, September 26, 2007        Edition: #3621
Sheet Happens!

Why do all these extremely rich people insist on driving? 40-year-old “24” star Kiefer Sutherland is the latest Hollywood celeb busted for suspicion of DUI after blowing twice the legal limit on a Breathalyzer following a FOX network party (if convicted, he’ll serve 5 days in jail – but without any torture) . . . Former heavyweight boxing champ Mike Tyson has pleaded guilty to charges of DUI & drug possession over an Arizona traffic incident in DECEMBER and is now facing a maximum of 4 years in the slammer when he’s sentenced NOVEMBER 19th (after 2 previous trips inside, he knows how to do the time) . . . TV actress Courtney Thorne-Smith says she’s taking a break from her role as the mom on “According to Jim” (ABC/CTV) to be a full-time real-life mom but hopes to return to the sitcom in the future (the lame show’s in its 7th season – will it still be there to come back to?) . . . Actor Brad Pitt has thrilled reporters at the “Washington Post” by spending 4 hours in the paper’s newsroom doing research for his upcoming role as a journalist in the movie “State of Play” (what would you do if Brad came to your office for a day?) . . . A special effects expert on the new ‘Batman’ movie, “The Dark Knight”, has been killed on the set in Surrey, England when his vehicle crashed into a tree while following the ‘Batmobile’ on a racetrack (it’s unconfirmed the director yelled, “Did we get that?”) . . . And Swedish TV game show host Eva Nazemson has become a hit on YouTube thanks to a posted video of her vomiting live on-air – then quickly continuing on with the show (now that’s pro!).

• Bon Jovi – Guitarist Richie Sambora is reportedly back in rehab, this time at the Cirque Lodge
in Utah, same place as Lindsay Lohan. That could lead to trouble, although word has it Li-Lo could be released as early as THIS WEEKEND.
• Gwen Stefani – She blames her obsession with diets on her mother. The 37-year-old says she’s struggled with her weight since childhood and admits the pressure to stay thin stems from mom.
• The Killers – Rock & Roll Hall of Famer Lou Reed has helped them compile a collection B-sides, rarities, and one-off sides for the album “Sawdust”, due out NOVEMBER 13th.
• Leann Rimes – The 25-year-old country star says she was bullied all through school because she suffered from eczema, the skin irritation that can cause crusting, flaking, blistering, cracking, oozing, or bleeding. Uck!
• Mariah Carey – She’s recently had her family tree traced because she became convinced she’s related to late singing legend Nat King Cole. No such luck … not even Old King Cole.
• Paul Rodgers – The former Free and Bad Company rocker, now fronting for Queen, has wed former “Miss Canada”, Cynthia Kereluk, in an outdoor ceremony at their country property in BC’s Okanagan Valley. It was a surprise to the 70 guests who thought they were there to celebrate their 10th anniversary as a couple.
• U2 – An oil painting by Irish artist David Nolan showing Bono receiving an honorary knighthood is being auctioned in Dublin NEXT MONTH. It’s conservatively expected to fetch around $4,000.
• White Stripes – Meg White’s rep says an explicit video circulating online that purportedly shows Meg involved in an “Icky Thump” is nothing more than ‘a prank in particularly bad taste’. Meg recently booked some time off to recover from ‘acute anxiety’.

• “Bionic Woman (NBC/E!): Brit actress Michelle Ryan stars in this reworking of the classic 1976-78 TV series that stared Lindsay Wagner (a spin-off of “The Six Million Dollar Man”). In the series premiere, ‘Jaime Sommers‘ survives a near-fatal accident, thanks to some high-tech spare parts that give her unusual powers. The show is shot in Vancouver.
• Bright Eyes – The Omaha NE indie rockers perform on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC).
• Broken Social Scene – Kevin Drew (Feist’s bf) is on “MTV Live” (MTV Canada).
• Chamillionaire w/Slick Rick – They guest on “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC).
• “Dirty Sexy Money” (ABC) – In this series debut, Peter Krause stars as a lawyer who’s forced to take care of one of NYC’s wealthiest families. If it’s not a hit, it won’t be because of the supporting cast: Donald Sutherland, Jill Clayburgh & William Baldwin.
• Dolly Parton – TONIGHT she performs both her classic hit “9 to 5” and “Better Get to Livin’” from her latest album, “Backwoods Barbie”, on “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV).
• “Private Practice” (ABC/CTV) – The “Grey’s Anatomy” spinoff debuts, which follows ‘Dr Addison Montgomery’ (Kate Walsh) from Seattle Grace to a chic private clinic in California. Tim Daly (“The Nine”) & Amy Brenneman (“Judging Amy”) are among the co-stars.
• Red Hot Chili Peppers/Snow Patrol – They perform on “Live From Abbey Road” (MuchMoreMusic)
• – He flogs his new album “Songs About Girls” on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).

A new poll of some 2,000 workers finds that fully 60% aren’t happy with their employers but about 50% are sticking it out simply because they don’t believe there are many ideal companies to work for. 59% of respondents report their workplace has an inhospitable environment; 32% say their wages are far too low; 30% complain that their working hours are too long & inflexible; and 25% claim their company’s record regarding staff morale is downright pitiful. (Which all goes to prove … if you give people the chance to carp about their jobs anonymously, they’re gonna let fly!)

This Fall there are lots of wardrobe choices for canines, even a full bridal line that’s said to be very elegant. A few tips from the experts on choosing a new ensemble for your pooch …
• Start small when putting attire on your dog. Try a bandana for a week, then move on to something more fitting, like a shirt. (Pants can be extremely difficult.)
• Check the fit … everywhere. Dogs have a lot of ways of getting clothing wet, from muzzle to tail. (In other words, you need to make sure the ‘vent’ lines up correctly.)
• Factor in temperature. Your dog already has a fur coat, so adding another layer can get overly warm, especially for flat-faced breeds such as the pug. (Which might lead you to the question: “Why the hell am I dressing my dog anyway?”)
(Least popular Fall outfit for dogs: An Atlanta Falcons NFL jersey with the number 7 on it.)
– “Social Studies”

Australia’s crippling drought is threatening as much as half of the next year’s grape harvest. What’s known Down Under as ‘The Big Dry’ will cut grape production in the county from nearly 2 million tons to 800,000. So if you enjoy Aussie wines … best to buy them now. The prices are expected to soar. (We were having trouble imbibing booze named ‘Black Stump‘ and ‘Willy Willy’ anyway.)
– “Daily Telegraph“

Facebook, the phenomenally popular social networking site is at the center of financial speculation that could value it at a staggering $10 billion. Set up only 3 years ago by 23-year-old Harvard grad Mark Zuckerberg, reports say Mircrosoft is poised to buy a 5% stake in the site for around – whoa! – $400 million! (Yeah, but Mark still can’t get a date.)
– “Wall Street Journal“

Apple is warning iPhone users that software programs available online to ‘unlock’ the device so it can be used on any cellphone network can cause irreparable damage to the phone. The company promises it’s not doing anything pro-actively to disable iPhones that have been hacked or unlocked. (Other than spreading dire warnings.)
– Reuters

The Gander Mountain outdoor store in Waukesha, Wisconsin is one of several now stocking guns that are … pink. In an attempt to attract female clientele they now have on offer a .22-caliber Crickett rifle with a bright pink stock, and a Remington 20-gauge shotgun with a pink & black stock emblazoned: “Shoot like a girl if you can!” Both are said to be selling well. One retailer notes that women want to shoot guns but they want them to look pretty, too. (That’s one of the 2 categories everything falls into for females: ‘pretty’ or ‘cute’.)
– “Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel“

• More male than female workers admit to having fallen asleep on the job. Men: 49%. Women: 35%. Even less surprisingly, more men than women claim to have kissed a co-worker: 44% to 34%. (You know what this means? There’s a woman out there somewhere getting a whole lotta action!)
• The University of Manchester has found that a Tyrannosaurus Rex would have been able to outrun a soccer player, at 18 mph. The researchers came to this conclusion by constructing computer models to estimate the running speeds of dinosaurs. (In related news, Manchester United has just signed ‘Barney’.)
– Reuters

“We just finished up 2 years touring on this record, and we’re all a little crispy.”
– Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger telling “Billboard” there are no immediate plans to record a follow-up to the mega-hit album “All the Right Reasons”.


1948 [59] Olivia Newton-John, Cambridge UK (raised Melbourne, Australia), oldies singer (“I Honestly Love You”)/movie actress (“Grease”)

1955 [52] Carlene Carter (Rebecca Carlene Smith), Nashville TN, country singer (“Every Little Thing”, “Come On Back”)/June Carter Cash’s daughter/Johnny Cash’s step-daughter

1968 [39] Jim Caviezel, Mount Vernon WA, movie actor (“Deja Vu”, “The Passion of the Christ”)

1972 [35] Shawn Stockman, Philadelphia PA, R&B/pop singer (Boyz II Men-“The End of the Road”) who had 6 #1 hits in the ‘90s, including some of the longest-charted singles of all-time

1981 [26] Serena Williams, Saginaw MI, former top-ranked women’s tennis player who’s now dropped to #7

1981 [26] Christina Milian, Jersey City NJ, pop singer (“Say I”, “Dip It Low”)/sometime movie actress (“Be Cool”, “American Pie”)

• “Food Service Employees Day”, in recognition of those dedicated folks who slop your plate full and slam it on your table.

– After presenting food, says, “Good luck.”
– Asks if you want your fork ‘spit-shined’.
– You suddenly realize it’s the water that’s amber-colored, not the glass.
– You ask for a napkin and your server says, “Oooh, who’s Mister Fancy?”
– You discover one of your burritos is a rolled-up Ace bandage.
– When you order just a salad, she says, “Hey, we got ourselves a sissy here!”
– You complain about a hair in your soup and he says, “That’s OK, it’s ‘split pea & hamster’.”

• “Full Moon”, known as the “Harvest Moon”, which occurs closest to the Autumn equinox. In 2 years out of 3, the “Harvest Moon” comes in SEPTEMBER; in other years it occurs in OCTOBER.

• “International Tool Day”. So who do you think qualifies? Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez? Victoria Beckham?

• “Sukkot” begins at sundown, the Jewish celebration that continues through October 3rd. Also known as the “Feast of Booths”, “Feast of Tabernacles”, “Season of Our Happiness”, and “Feast of Ingathering”, it both celebrates the fall harvest and commemorates the 40-year period during which the Israelites wandered in the desert, living in temporary shelters.

1964 [43] 1st episode of “Gilligan’s Island” (“Survivor” … 1960s-style)  CLASSIC TV TRIVIA: On “Gilligan’s Island”, what was the ‘Professor’s’ first name?
a. Roy [CORRECT]
b. Bartholomew
c. Phyllis
– “Trivia World”

1969 [38] 1st episode of TV’s “The Brady Bunch” (“Mike & Carol’s Wedding”)  FACTOID: Publisher HarperEntertainment is denying that the upcoming memoir by Maureen McCormick (‘Marcia Brady’) will reveal she had a fling with co-star Eve Plumb (‘Jan Brady’). A spokesperson says that’s just a wild Internet rumor (but a helluva way to generate some interest!).

1987 [20] Whitney Houston scores her 5th consecutive #1 single with “Didn’t We Almost Have It All”

1892 [115] 1st ‘Matchbook’ (Diamond Match Co)

1960 [47] ‘Longest Speech in United Nations History’ (4 hours, 29 minutes by Fidel Castro)

1983 [24] ‘Longest Winning Streak in Sports’ (132 years) comes to an end as challenger “Australia II” defeats the USA in “America’s Cup” yacht racing

[Thurs] Ancestor Appreciation Day
[Thurs] World Tourism Day
[Thurs] World Maritime Day
[Thurs] Van Halen reunion tour begins (Charlotte NC)
[Fri] Women’s Health & Fitness Day
[Fri-Oct 7] Okanagan Fall Wine Festival (BC)
[Fri] Ask A Stupid Question Day
[Fri] “Feast of Love”; “The Game Plan”; “The Kingdom”; “Lust, Caution”; “Postal”; “Trade” open in movie theaters
This Week Is … Roller Skating Week
This Month Is … Hispanic Heritage Month


• How come your dad never gave you credit for doing a ‘full-ass job’?
• How can ‘up for it’ and ‘down with that’ mean the same thing?
• In North Korea, do they have ‘dictator-sized’ candy bars?
• How can you tell when someone farts in Tijuana?
• How many words is a hologram worth?

You run down the list while your crew/guest/caller picks which item sucks most …
• Eating 3 earthworms OR wearing a necklace made of them … on your wedding day?
• Being trapped in an elevator with 3 wet dogs OR being trapped in an elevator 3 fat men … with bad breath?
• Losing your mate to the same sex as yourself OR losing your mate to the opposite sex?
• Getting a bad case of poison ivy way up inside your nose OR getting a bad case of poison ivy inside your inner ear?
• Being president of a firm that poaches endangered species OR working for a corrupt politician?

How come there are ears, nose and throat specialists? Shouldn’t they have to pick one?

Today’s Question: The average person goes through 15 gallons of THESE in their lifetime.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Tears.

A pessimist is never disappointed.

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