September 5, 2012

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Wednesday, September 5, 2012        Edition: #4823

Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

“No Easy Day”, the controversial book by former US Navy SEAL Matt Bissonnette (pen name Mark Owen) about the commando raid that killed Osama bin Laden, has stormed to the top of the best-sellers list, even out-selling the hugely popular “Fifty Shades” series (couldn’t come at a better time for Obama) . . . 22-year-old actress Emma Watson tells UK “Glamour” she won’t date famous men, because becoming part of a celebrity ‘supercouple’ would make her nervous (lots of the unfamous are more than willing) . . . Actress Kristen Stewart’s mother just filed for divorce from her dad (her crappiest-ever Summer continues) . . . Famous felon Lindsay Lohan is denying she trashed Elizabeth Taylor’s priceless 1963 “Cleopatra” trailer during the filming of her new Lifetime movie “Liz & Dick”, but either way the film’s producers are saying they’ve no idea why she thought they’d foot her enormous hotel bill at LA’s Chateau Marmont (does she ever take responsibility?) . . . Kate Hudson is just midway through shooting her 6-episode arc as a dance teacher to Lea Michele’s character on “Glee” (FOX), and she’s already calling the ‘Rachel Berry’ actress a ‘a nightmare and total diva’ (what a surprise!) . . . They may not be dating, but former “Beverly Hills 90210” couple Luke Perry & Jennie Garth (‘Dylan & Kelly’) are collaborating on a potential new sitcom that will reportedly ‘play up their chemistry’ (their increasingly middle-aged chemistry) . . . And “Star Trek: The Next Generation” star Michael Dorn is developing a new spin-off sci-fi TV series about his ‘Klingon’ character ‘Captain Worf’ (that huge shriek you just heard was a group geek-gasm).

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Best Coast (“The Only Place”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Big Time Rush (“BTR”). Rerun.
• “Football Night in America Special Edition” (NBC) – ‘NFL Kickoff 2012’ features performances by Mariah Carey and No Doubt, followed by the season-opening game (Cowboys @ Giants).
• “Good Morning America” (ABC) – Jason Aldean and Lady Antebellum announce the first round of nominees for the 46th Country Music Association Awards. The hardware’s handed out November 1st in Nashville.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Miss Willie Brown (“Blackouts & Polaroids”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Bombay Bicycle Club (“Different Kind of Fix”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Luke Bryan (“Tailgates & Tanlines”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Matchbox Twenty (“North”).
• “Live With Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Demi Lovato (“The X Factor”).
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – 6 dancers perform; 2 are eliminated; AXIS Dance Company performs.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Adam Levine (“The Voice”); Grace Potter & The Nocturnals (“The Lion the Beast the Beat”).

• Foo Fighters – They’ve joined the bill for tonight’s ‘Rock the Vote’ event at the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte NC. Also performing: Asher Roth, Jack Johnson.
• Jay-Z – Word has it he could be joining Coldplay and Rihanna at the 2012 Paralympics closing ceremony (“The Festival of Flame”) in London this Sunday.
• John Mayer – Ouch! He reportedly broke up with Katy Perry via … email. (
• Lady Gaga – Reports say she was photoshopped in order to look thinner on the cover of “Vogue” magazine. (You mean she doesn’t have a 12-inch waist?)
• Madonna – She & her personal trainer, Nicole Winhoffer, have teamed up for a new series of workout videos titled “Addicted to Sweat”, out today. The 4-DVD set features Madonna’s workouts … but not her.
• Owl City – Tonight a world tour begins in Nashville TN in support of the new album “The Midsummer Station”. As well as North America, Owl City will visit Europe, Japan, New Zealand, Australia, and Indonesia.
• Take That – Former bandmates Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow have collaborated on a new single called “Candy”. They’re both household names in Britain, not so much elsewhere.
• Taylor Swift – Her “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” video was shot in one continuous take. She had 3 different outfits layered on top of each other, put together with Velcro and snaps to enable furiously fast costume changes.

School field trips might be fun for kids, but try being a teacher having to keep track of dozens of little charges with a penchant for wandering off. A new gizmo called ‘RubberBand’ uses a sensor attached to each kid’s backpack that broadcasts a radio signal. The signals are collected by a smartphone running software that measures signal strength between children in a group to determine their locations relative to each other. If a child toddles off, or a splinter group forms, the system plays a sound to alert the teacher and displays photos of the kids involved. (Or they could just all ‘hold on to the rope’, as teachers have been demanding for decades.)
– “New Scientist”

Facebook has become such a pervasive force in modern society that increasing numbers of employers, and even some psychologists, believe people who aren’t on social-networking sites are ‘suspicious’. reports that Human Resources Departments are becoming increasingly wary of young job candidates who don’t use social media. The common concern among bosses is that a lack of Facebook could mean the applicant’s account was so full of red flags it had to be deleted. (You check your Facebook page while driving; Tweet a message that you ‘just took a shower’; Instagram a photo of your double soy macchiato with extra foam and so it continues ad infinitum … and that’s not considered weird?)
– “Daily Mail”

A statistical look at who we are and the things we do …
• 76% of us are actually ill when we take a ‘sick day’. (“Yeah, I’m sick. Sick of this damn job!”)
• 66% of married women admit they normally initiate arguments with their spouses. (But only because he’s always so wrong!)
• 40% of women say their man’s butt is more attractive than his face. (5% can’t tell the difference.)
• 36% of men & 16% of women admit they have cheated at a bachelor or bachelorette party. (Isn’t that what they’re for?)
• 32% of high school students already have their own credit cards or use their parents’. (“I’ll have the mystery meet with mashed. Put it on my AMEX.”)
• 27% of women say they’d stuff a winning lottery ticket into their bra for safekeeping. (Another reason you should always buy two.)

A newly-discovered bee found in the Republic of Cape Verde off the coast of Africa doesn’t build hives, it sneaks into existing hives and lays eggs in order to take over! The so-called ‘Cuckoo Bee’ infiltrates a nest, lays its eggs, then leaves. The eggs incubate and hatch more quickly than other species, and when they hatch, newborn Cuckoo Bees immediately kill all of the host species’ young. Eventually, the invading force gains control of the hive and lives off its resources. The name comes from the Cuckoo Bird, which leaves eggs in other birds’ nests. (So the bums of the bees are named after the deadbeat parents of the avian world.)

German psychologist Dr Michael Mary, author of the book “Five Lies Concerning Love”, claims that trying to create a fulfilling love life in a long-term relationship is a futile exercise. To have trust and harmony and at the same time the level of passion and desire one experiences on the first day of a relationship simply doesn’t exist, he says. Mary suggests the easiest way for married folks to add some excitement to their boring love lives is to … cheat on their partners. (It seems the plural of spouse is spice.)

New terms leaking into our lingo …
✓ ‘Phablet’ – A hybrid device halfway between a smartphone and a tablet computer, ie: the new Samsung Galaxy Note.
✓ ‘Eurogeddon’ – Total economic meltdown in Europe.
✓ ‘Geophony’ – The combined sounds of the natural world … wind, waves, rain, etc.
✓ ‘Twittion’ – A petition posted on

In China, height is traditionally an important esthetic criterion for a man’s good looks and ability to attract a suitable wife (comparable to large eyes for women). It’s generally accepted that 180 cm (5-foot-10) is an ideal height, especially in the eyes of a bride’s parents, while those below 170 cm (5-foot-7) may be teased as ‘second-rate’. Women at 165 cm (5-foot-5) are generally considered more desirable than shorter women. (What’s your ideal spouse’s dimensions?)
– “Shanghai Daily”

A recent scientific study concludes that men from polygamous cultures outlive men who are only allowed to have one wife at a time. The research compares data from 140 countries that allow polygamy and 49 mostly monogamous nations. After accounting for socio-economic differences, it’s been found that men who have more than 1 wife live an average of 12% longer than their monogamous counterparts. (Or maybe it just seems longer.)

Occasional “BS” contributor Robyn Bentley offers the following feng shui tips on how to up your Zs …
✓ Sleep In the Dark – When it’s dark, your body produces the hormone melatonin which regulates your sleep. Light makes your body think it’s daytime. If you sleep with a light, TV, or computer on, your body won’t make the melatonin you need to sleep well.
✓ Limit EMF Exposure All Day – EMFs (electromagnetic frequencies) are electric and magnetic fields that surround electrical devices like computers, TVs, transformer plugs, and power strips. Too much EMF exposure reduces your body’s melatonin levels and can create sleep problems.
✓ Point Your Bed In a Positive Direction – Everybody has 4 positive sleeping directions and 4 negative directions based on your year of birth and gender. Sleeping with the crown of your head pointed towards one of your positive directions will help you sleep better.
Get your positive sleeping directions here:

• The single thing men are most afraid of is ‘public speaking’. ‘Getting married’ ranks 2nd. (Does this mean it’s less stressful to be the groom than the best man who does the toast?)
– “Men’s Health”


1951 [61] Michael Keaton (Douglas), Coraopolis PA, movie actor (“Cars”, “Beetle Juice”)

1968 [44] Brad Wilk, Portland OR, rock drummer (Rage Against the Machine-“Renegades of Funk”, Audioslave-“Be Yourself”)

1973 [39] Rose McGowan, Florence, Italy, movie actress (“Machete”, “The Black Dahlia”)/TV actress (“Charmed” 2001-06)

1989 [23] Kat Graham, Geneva, Switzerland, TV actress (‘Bonnie Bennett’ on “The Vampire Diaries” since 2009)

“Be Late For Something Day”, sponsored by the Procrastinators’ Club. In retaliation, tomorrow is “National Do-It! Day”, aka “Fight Procrastination Day”.

1991 [21] Actor John Travolta & actress Kelly Preston are married at midnight at the hotel De Crillon in Paris (John is more interested in the best man)

1998 [14] Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” (from the movie”Armageddon”) debuts at #1 and remains there throughout the entire month of September

1999 [13] La-Z-Boy 1st markets its ‘Oasis’ recliner designed for football fans, equipped with a phone, heat, massager, and a cooler large enough to chill a 6-pack

1989 [23] World’s ‘Longest Zipper’ (9,353 ft-long with 2,565,900 teeth) is produced by the Yoshida Co of Sneek, Netherlands

[Thurs] MTV Video Music Awards
[Thurs] Toronto Film Festival begins
[Fri] “The Words” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] “Raiders Of the Lost Ark” Imax re-release
[Fri] 3rd “Stand Up to Cancer Telethon”
[Fri] Lazy Moms Day
This Week Is … Self-University Week
This Month Is … Cholesterol Education & Awareness Month


✗ 10th-grade sucked last year. 10th-grade will probably suck again this year.
✗ As you’re escorted from the metal detector to the strip-search room you realize that this was not the ideal Summer to have all that body piercing done.
✗ All the other 3rd-grade boys have an “Avengers” lunch box but your mom decided to get you “Diary Of a Wimpy Kid”.
✗ 1st-period Phys-Ed with Mr Torquemada and Mr de Sade.
✗ Your mom’s shopping habits combined with a clearance sale on Underoos have left you with quite a locker room dilemma.
✗ The female goatee just hasn’t caught on yet.

Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.

☎ How many email addresses do you have and what do you use them for?

Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – OMG! Your boyfriend proposes! To someone else. Sorry.
• Taurus – Do you know what’s more exciting than being in your company? Everything!
• Gemini – You’ll be happy to know that this week brings you great romance and later, herpes.
• Cancer – Try not to take everything that people say to heart … although it is all true … and is all based on actual things that you’ve done, loser.
• Leo – It takes a certain kind of person to admit when they are wrong. This person is not you. Stubborn ass.
• Virgo – It’s your birthday this week! Unfortunately the sheer volume of candles on your cake starts a fire and burns down your house.
• Libra – Tonight you will dream you’ve been turned into a Chihuahua and will wake screaming … in a whiny, high-pitched, annoying sort of way.
• Scorpio – Uranus gets close to Mars this week and you immediately regret getting drunk and flirting with a short man called Bruno.
• Sagittarius – You finally realize that, after 3 years of dating, your horse will never love you as much as you love him.
• Capricorn – Someone has the audacity to call you unhinged. The nerve. So you rip the wire from your bra and stab them repeatedly.
• Aquarius – Being in love isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Not that you’d know.
• Pisces – Let a smile be your umbrella today. Tomorrow let a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.

Question: About half of parents say THIS is what they dislike most about back-to-school time.
Answer: Fundraisers.

Do not attempt to traverse a chasm in two leaps.

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