April 23, 2008

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Wednesday, April 23, 2008        Edition: #3760
Never Accept a Generic – Ask For Pure “BS”!

Since splitting with NY Rangers hockey player Sean Avery LAST YEAR, actress Elisha Cuthbert (“Captivity”) says she’s had trouble finding a guy because she’s so picky (her biggest peeve is a guy who falls asleep halfway through – a movie) . . . Hard to picture but 31-year-old actress Alicia Silverstone (“Miss Match”, “Clueless“) is set to play the mom of a 16-year-old in the new ABC-TV comedy “Bad Mother’s Handbook” (forget “Stacy’s Mom”, we want Alicia!) . . . The Walt Disney Co has launched a new film division called ‘Disneynature‘ that will produce bigscreen environmental and wildlife features, the first being a movie adaptation of the BBC-TV series “Planet Earth” opening on Earth Day, 2009 . . . Movie actress Cameron Diaz is reportedly seeking ‘medical attention’ in order to cope with LAST WEEK’s sudden death of her father Emilio at age 58 (the reason she failed to show at LAST NIGHT’s world premiere of her new film “What Happens in Vegas” in London) . . . “Star Wars” actor Ewan McGregor has revealed he had a malignant mole removed after a doctor discovered minute skin cancer beneath his right eye (it’s unknown if a light saber was used) . . . “ER” actress Maura Tierney (‘Abby Lockhart’) says she’s been trying to convince the show’s writers to kill off her character during the 15th and final season coming up, but they refuse (we should be so lucky!) . . . And which is more insulting – that “Star” magazine is claiming Jessica Simpson was recently hospitalized for alcohol poisoning, or that it refers to her as “Ashlee Simpson’s big sister”?

• Fall Out Boy – They’re saluting Michael Jackson with a cover of his 1983 hit “Beat It”. Patrick Stump says the video has been inspired by all Jackson’s videos but was ‘made on a Fall Out Boy budget so it’s not quite as fancy’. Meantime, Pete Wentz is in talks with kids TV show “Sesame Street” about a possible collaboration with his clothing label.
• Guns N’ Roses – Guitarist Robin Finck has suddenly returned to Nine Inch Nails to tour, apparently to the surprise of the rest of the band’s current line-up. Meantime, the band is said to be in negotiations to finally release the ‘new’ album, “Chinese Democracy”. Yeah, right.
• Jordin Sparks – The “Tattoo” singer is battling an acute vocal cord hemorrhage and has been forced to drop out of the just-launched Alicia Keys tour in order to recover. A rep says she’s expected to re-join Keys on tour in MAY.
• Kanye West – It’s been confirmed that he and his 18-month fiancée, designer Alexis Phifer, have split up. She just launched her own clothing line called ‘Ghita’. He’s busy with … himself.
• Madonna – “4 Minutes“ has become her 13th #1 single in the UK and her 60th in the Top 10.
• Miley Cyrus – It’s not so shocking that a couple of underwear-revealing photos purporting to be the “Hannah Montana” star have circulated online THIS WEEK. What’s weird is the sound of total silence from her corner. No denial, no excuse, no apology … nada.
• Shakira – She’s the honorary chair of THIS WEEK’s “Global Campaign For Education Action Week”, highlighting the plight of some 72 million children and 226 million adolescents around-the-world who are currently not in school.
• Stone Temple Pilots – There are plans to release a DVD of their APRIL 7th private show at LA’s Houdini Estate, where they officially announced their reunion.

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Another contestant goes home in THIS WEEK’s results show after Leona Lewis performs her worldwide hit single “Bleeding Love”. She was the 3rd-season winner on Simon Cowell’s British talent show, “The X Factor”.
• Dove Awards – The 39th annual honors from the Gospel Music Association are handed out in Nashville. Ricky Skaggs & the Whites have 3 nominations; Alabama’s “Songs Of Inspiration 2” is nominated for ‘Country Album’; and Martina McBride’s “Anyway” is up for ‘Country Song’.
NET: http://www.doveawards.com/
• Hollywood RockWalk –  Frontman Billy Corgan and drummer Jimmy Chamberlin will reportedly be on hand as the band is inducted at noon outside the Guitar Center store on Sunset Boulevard before performing for fans inside.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – NYC indie rock band Vampire Weekend (“Oxford Comma”) is on.
• “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC) – Radiohead plays “House Of Cards” in a pre-recorded London performance, supposedly to avoid leaving a carbon footprint by traveling to NYC. No such qualms about their 2008 tour, which kicks off MAY 5th in West Palm Beach FL.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Newmarket, Ontario indie rockers Tokyo Police Club perform music from their debut album “Elephant Shell”. The single “Tessellate” is named after a patterning technique in art that band members did in the 4th grade.
• “Law & Order” (NBC/CTV) – Jesse L Martin (‘Detective Ed Green’) signs off after 9 seasons in an episode that finds him accused of shooting an infamous hustler.
• Nashville Film Festival – Country star Trace Adkins attends TONIGHT’s screening of “Trailer Park Of Terror” in which he makes his film acting debut. The horror thriller features a bloodthirsty brood of ‘undead trailer trash’. Sounds like a winner!
• NME Awards – The inaugural US version of the annual honors awarded by long-time UK magazine “New Musical Express” debuts in LA. For the first time in nearly 17 years, Jane’s Addiction (Perry Farrell, Dave Navarro, Stephen Perkins & Eric Avery) reunite to perform and receive the ‘Godlike Genius’ career achievement award.
• “Tribeca Film Festival” – “Baby Mama”, starring Tina Fey (“30 Rock”) & Amy Poehler (“SNL”), opens the 7th annual NYC festival in a world premiere. 122 films will screen through MAY 4th.
The sole Canadian feature film is “My Winnipeg”, a ‘docu-fantasia’ directed by Guy Maddin.

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Freemales’ – A British term for manless women who are happy to remain that way. They’re too busy living life to the fullest to make time for ‘Mr Mediocre’. (‘Bridget Jones’ with confidence … and a life.)
• ‘Homedebtor’ – A homeowner with an extremely large mortgage that’s unlikely to ever get paid off. (“We’re not touring Europe this summer. We’re opting for the homedebtor vacation in the backyard.”)
• ‘Semisomniacs’ – A new term to describe people who do not sleep well and experience low-grade exhaustion much of the time. (Aka morning radio personalities.)

A hypno-therapist in Britain has undergone surgery without anesthetic and claims he felt absolutely no pain thanks to the hypnotic trance he put himself into. Surgeons used a saw to cut open his arm and a hammer & chisel to remove a walnut-sized chunk of bone from his wrist but Alex Lenkei says he felt nothing and even asked the surgeon how everything was going about halfway through the procedure. (Trouble is, now he barks like a dog every time the phone rings.)
– “Daily Mail”

Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates says the successor to ‘Windows Vista’ may be released far in advance of previous predictions. He expects the newest Windows operating system, code-named ‘Windows 7′, to be released some time in the next year or so. One of its key features, he says, will be a touch surface display that allows users to call up items using their hands. (Meantime, a petition is circulating demanding that Microsoft maintain availability of ‘Windows XP’, which many think was the last legitimate improvement in OS technology.)
– Zdnet News Service

• Close to 500 students were interviewed for a new University of Michigan study that reveals 27% of the men and 14% of the women have tried to trade something for sex. Among the items on offer: money, voice lessons, and tickets to the Ohio State-Michigan game. (Hm, which row?)
• A new Irish university study has found that gossip encourages people to be more generous. The research also cites previous studies that have shown gossip serves to help people build relationships. (Who would have thought “Gossip Girl” had some sort of social relevance?)
• Oxford University scientists have succeeded in controlling brain cells of fruit flies in order to make females behave like males. The females can now be encouraged to produce a male-type courtship song when cued by a pulse of light. (Handing them a field hockey stick also works.)

A statistical breakdown of life by the numbers …
• 80% of women say they would never go out of the house without a bra.
• 60% of parents admit they have no idea how to do First Aid/CPR.
• 50% of us say that if cash were tight, cable TV would be the first thing to go. (For 67%, ditching the car would be the last resort.)
• 23% of guys say they’d date a woman who is taller. (But only 4% of women will date a shorter guy.)
• 14% of women are willing to accept a date with a guy in order to get a free meal.
• 10% of parents say they regret giving their kids the names that they did. (Feel better, Francis?)

A new ranking of America’s best rock clubs …
5. The Norva, Norfolk VA
4. The Magic Stick, Detroit MI
3. Bowery Ballroom, NYC
2. The Orange Peel, Asheville NC
1. Stubb’s Bar-B-Q, Austin TX
– “Rolling Stone”

Women’s median income has increased 63% in the past 30 years, according to Marti Barletta, author of “Marketing to Women”.


1954 [54] Michael Moore, Flint MI, documentary filmmaker (“Sicko”, 2004 Golden Palm Award-“Fahrenheit 9/11”, 2003 Oscar-“Bowling for Columbine”)

1960 [48] Valerie Bertinelli, Wilmington DE, author (“Losing It: And Gaining My Life Back One Pound At A Time”)/spokesperson for Jenny Craig weight-loss program/former TV actress (“Touched By an Angel” 2001-03, “One Day At a Time” 1975-84)/ex-Mrs Eddie Van Halen (1981-2007)

1961 [47] George Lopez, Mission Hills CA, TV producer/writer/sitcom actor (“George Lopez” since 2002)/standup comedian (“Team Leader”)

1967 [41] Melina Kanakaredes, Akron OH, TV actress (‘Detective Stella Bonasera on “CSI: NY” since 2004)

1974 [34] Carlos D (Dengler), Queens NY, rock musician (Interpol-“The Heinrich Maneuver”, “Slow Hands”)

1974 [34] Barry Watson, Traverse City MI, TV actor (‘Todd’ on “Samantha Who?” since 2007, “7th Heaven” 1996-2006)

1977 [31] Kal Penn (Modi), Montclair NJ, TV actor (‘Dr Kutner’ on “House MD”)/movie actor (“Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle”, “Van Wilder”)  UP NEXT: “Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay”, opening FRIDAY.

• “Administrative Professionals Day” (“Secretaries Day” in ancient times), a day to salute those dedicated souls in the office who do the work in the trenches. Over the years, the tradition of bosses giving APs flowers and/or lunch has given way to professional development opportunities or other work-themed awards. (See BULL’S BITS.)
NET: http://www.iaap-hq.org/APW/apwindex.htm

• “Canada Book Day”, a yearly event organized by the Writers’ Trust of Canada to promote reading and books. The week surrounding APRIL 23 is celebrated as “Canada Book Week”.

• ”International Day of the Book”, as declared annually by UNESCO to promote reading and books.

• “Lover’s Day” in Spain, the Spanish equivalent of Valentines Day, when women give books to men and men give roses to women.

• “Plumbers Day”. Let’s all do the plumber’s salute … drop your pants 2 inches!

• “Shakespeare’s Birth & Death Anniversary” (1564-1616), honoring the bard of Stratford-on-Avon, England who composed 37 plays and 154 sonnets. For sooth! The annual “Bard’s Birthday Celebration” will be held in many locations around-the-world, including the home of Canada’s annual “Shakespearean Festival”, Stratford ON.

• “Spring Cat Cleaning Day”, a day to give your cat a bath. Be careful!

1896 [112] 1st ‘Motion Picture’ shown to general public (a Vitascope system is used to project a film onto a screen in a demonstration at Koster & Bials Music Hall in NYC)

1956 [52] Elvis Presley 1st appearance in Las Vegas (audiences are unimpressed and the 2-week engagement is cancelled after a single week)

1988 [20] After spending a record total of 741 consecutive weeks (over 14 years) on the ‘Billboard 200′, Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side Of the Moon” album finally exits the chart

1938 [70] The ‘Shirley Temple Cocktail’, a non-alcoholic 7-Up & grenadine drink, is created at Chasen’s Restaurant in Hollywood for the child star’s 10th birthday party

1964 [44] 1st MLB no-hitter pitched for a loss (Cincinnati Reds beat Astros’ pitcher Ken Johnson 1-0 on 2 costly Houston errors)

1969 [39] John Sinclair completes record walk of 215 miles in 48 hours … non-stop!

1996 [12] NHL single-game record crowd of 28,183 watches Philadelphia beat Tampa

[Thurs] Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day
[Fri] 39th New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival begins
[Fri] Anzac Day (Australia/NZ)
[Fri] Hug an Australian Day
[Fri-Sun] Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival (Indio CA)
[Sat] Pretzel Day
[Sat-Sun] NFL draft (NYC)
[Sun] Hairball Awareness Day
[Sun] Sense of Smell Day
This Week Is … Canada-US Goodwill Week
This Month Is … Thai Heritage Month


In honor of “Administrative Professionals Day” …
• Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4 pm. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
• If it’s really a ‘rush job’, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps.
• Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
• If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
• Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
• If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.
• If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
• If you have special instructions for a job, don’t  write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
• Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life.

What’s the oldest breakfast cereal that’s still on the market?
a. Kellogg’s Corn Flakes. [1907]
b. Nabisco’s Shredded Wheat. [CORRECT. It first hit kitchen tables in 1893.]
c. Cap’n Crunch. [1963]
– “US News & World Report”

What’s the stupidest thing you and your partner have ever argued about?

Today’s Question: Garlic, raw onions, scallions, and black pepper can all have THIS same effect on you.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Make your feet stink.

Bigots are themselves a minority.

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